Things that go bump in the night

I’m not one for five-start hotel experiences since that can take all the fun out of travel, but I’m still trying to get over this place we stayed in.

It was just for three nights whilst in Chiang Mai. However, three sorts of noises were rather unsettling.

  • Loads of screaming children in the hallways with parents yelling after them. Why are they in the hallway, screaming, at 1 AM?
  • Some kind of insane bird. It was caterwalling outside the window at all hours. I mean, “what the heck kind of devil bird chirps at night?” (Failure to Launch)
  • Jurassic Park stomping on the ceiling. There wasn’t access to the floor above us yet someone – or something – bloody well stomped on all the floor all night. It sounded like T-rex and his wife trying to rearrange furniture, dropping chairs and sofas on the ceiling because their arms are too short.

Anyway, if it wasn’t the noises, it was the fact that the bed wasn’t connected to the wall. It was on rollers, on a tile floor. I went to sit on the bed, and it moved so far from the wall, I nearly fell over the top of the bed into the subsequent crack. It scared the hello kitty out of me.

Let’s discuss the doors. The doors, due to humidity, were warped hardcore. Thus, trying to get in and out of one’s room was rather like an exercise in futility. The light would blink green after inserting the key, and then … nothing. I would wedge my shoulder into it and throw my hip, as any person who faced a daily commute in Shanghai would know to do, but it barely creaked. Finally, I was so fed up (and needing to use the facilities), that I shoved in the key, let the light blink green, and simply threw myself into the door like I was trying to invade a medieval castle with only my shoulder as a battering ram.

Sure, that worked, and the door finally flew open, but I nearly landed face first on the cold, hard tiles. This experience was so hilarious to my friend and me that I gave an encore performance, which she recorded for posterity. No matter how many times we had to do this, it never got any easier.

Needless to say, it was rather special. Not a bad hotel, just … just a bit sticky around the edges.

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